Discussion 1

what is anything? What is this or that? What is life what is death? And the questions remain endless. Yet the human soul's longing to find or submerge in the vastness or essence that has brought about this and that remains to be calmed. We are always on the way to somewhere, coming from somewhere. We just cannot or rather do not want to look beyond the illusion to find that there was no past, there will be no future, instead just an idea that has been imagined to be on journey by the vastness or essence itself. This idea is imagined by none other than the basic being where everything comes from but it has been left to the idea to break through the shackles of this illusion and submerge in the vastness which is before anything, before the question what is anything, before anything and everything.

The vastness cannot be comprehended by any tools given to us by the illusion. The vastness yet remains an integral part of the idea or illusion or the existence of anything. So how does the longing to submerge with the vastness end? It can only happen with the union of the idea with the vastness. So how can this union take place?

Perhaps the answer is to let the idea that is a human, decide how to submerge with the vastness.

Kuch alfaaz hussain kay naam

kaun kehta hay ajj hoon main

kisna kaha kal bhi tha main

main tua silsila hoon us kari ka

jis kari ki na hay khatam na hay ibtididah

mujhsay juddah hokar kehta hay mehboob mera

aa dhoondh mujhay main tua hoon yaheen khara

per kidher hay tu? srif kyon sunai dayti hay goonj see

kyon tarap uththee hay zindagi halkii si ahat say

samnay ayega ab tu tua sab say pehlay karoonga main

apni biptaa jo honi bhi hay aur na honi bhi

is ishq kay bhi usool hain kaisay

sab teray banaye huway baghair hamsay poochay

yeah kia jagah hay yeah kia ehsaas hay yeah kia zindagi hay

jo hay tua kehnay ko apni per guzarti hay apni marzi say

hasrat hay keh maut kabhi dhoondhay mujhay bhi

per mar kar bhi na hoee khatam baychaini, tua phir gunahgar bhi hum hee

nahi jeena aur nahi marna aur

nahi suni teri sab batain aur

phir say...

Hay waheen per khara adam
hua tha shuru jahan say adam

tum kehtay ho bohat oonchay khiyalat hay tumharay
phir bhi khaq ho aur batain teri khaq-e-nasheen

is khud ki bher chal main kab tak chalayga
tu phir toot bikhar ker paani bunjayga

janat bhi yaheen, dozakh bhi yaheen
koi naheen tua srif khuda hee naheen

khud aur khudi main srif ye ka sa farak hay
per zindagi main yeah itna dair pa kyon hay?

kaun samjhayga humain aiy saad
humain tua khud apna hee pata nahi

exploring feelings

1. Feelings cannot be conveyed in anyway. For example, unless I tell you I am happy or sad you the reader have no idea what I am feeling. Even if I tell you I am happy or sad, you would have no idea how happy I am, what kind of happy I am whether I am euphoric or just plain feeling good. Plus, what is happiness cannot be put into word. We just assume that the feeling you associate with the word happiness is the same feeling I am associating with happiness; however, there is no way to independently check if we are correct.  In addition, happiness is not one feelings but as we have experienced already, happiness can be of various kinds and degrees. One form of happiness when we get a job promotion, another when we have a new born and many more. Therefore, we have to take the help of empathy which is just take a leap of faith and assume that others associate the same feeling we do to happiness. The same is true with for all the feelings.
2. Humans are nothing but a amalgamation of self aware feelings, also called consciousness. The most basic entity of being human is feeling. Take feelings out, and you are left with the body as in the case of a dead body. If you or any human have feelings but you are not aware of them, then those feelings are as good as not being there. 
3. Here we are presented with dichotomy, feelings are the most essential part of us being human yet we cannot convey our feelings. The most we can do is be at the mercy of empathy to help us convey feelings to whatever that might be.
4. Yet we have discourse about feelings. So what exactly are we doing when we are talking about feelings? We have to go back to how we learn about feelings and to have discourse about them if we want to answer that question. We basically learn to have discourse about feelings through emotions the outward or physical response of feelings. For instance, laugh when we are happy, tears when we are sad and so forth. We learn to tell others that we prefer laugh over tears while others seem to convey the same opinion that they prefer laugh over tears. Yet, we both know that we are not looking for the outward reactions in the form of emotions rather we are looking for feelings that produce these emotions or the inside state of being our consciousness. After all, we can fake tears or laugh yet its not the same thing unless its accompanied with a feeling. Therefore, we can have discourse about feelings only to the extend of emotions; if we feel something that is not accompanied by its own unique emotion or if we feel something new and its accompanied by its own unique emotion not seen before by anyone else, your feelings are bound to be misunderstood. Unless, others come up with the same emotion spontaneously, even then there would be no independent way of checking if the feeling produced is the same as yours. 
5. Therefore, words will always be inadequate as explaining feelings. 
6. When we talk about feelings we are actually talking about emotions the outward physical appearance of feelings.
7. Independent way of verifying if my and your feelings are the same other than using words to explain them, will always put us into trouble. We can also conclude language can only be used to convey actions or physical things or the relation between the two. 
8. We can only be sure about our own feelings and never about other person's feelings.

Not You, Not me but everything, the one

Thank you for the pain you endow on me,
I was reckless,
I was not able to see your love for me,
I was not able to see you me this that you me everything,
Now that I see, I see from your eyes,
I swear its painful,
Its painful for me, but you understand it.
My love for me, my love for you, my love for everything is ever lasting.
I am grateful, ever grateful, my whole existence cannot repay you,
For you have showed me the path.
The path of the learned, the path of the lovers, the path of enlightened ones.
I am going to go by, as I do, as a mere person.
If I dare to show myself, myself, myself, myself
I will be the ranks of your beloved,
I do not deserve to be one of them my love,
I am ever thankful to you,
You that no one understands but who you choose
Let me be humbled
Let me keep this pain, as your love for me
Let me serve you, as you want me to,
But I will, my love, I will.

Lover's plea

My lover and my beloved,
I have seen you, I have felt you
Yet you escape me.

I have left the minarets of mosques
I tried to seek you in godlessness of temples
I even let myself go in the presence of christ
Yet, I fail to find thee.

I intoxicated myself,
I obliterated myself,
and every time I forget myself
I am given a fruit from your presence
A presence that only reminds me of me

who are you?
At least, for the sake of a moment's satisfaction
tell me, who am I?
I am left to do things here without my control.

I have hoped to do one thing that enables me
I have dreamed of achieving the heights others have
but without here right now, where can i be?

I wish I was annihilated, burnt in all consuming fire
if that is what it takes to see you.
Accept my humble prayer, in your majestic presence
My insides cannot take this anymore.

Take mercy on me, grant me thine love
for all i want is thee.

Existence and Death (Dedicated to Dada)

Everything that we know around us is through our five senses, if we loose all our senses, we will cease to exist. Therefore, we can only know anything through our own experiences. We might say that we can get knowledge from other people's experience but we have to realize that this knowledge is transferred through words, and the words that one might choose to convey a particular experience or a mental picture to another person, might create a different mental picture than the one person is trying to convey. And, the only way to check if the mental picture formed through our words in other people's mind is same or not is through using more words. We will be content that the other person's mental picture is the same if the other person uses words that we believe should be used to describe our mental picture. However, each word that each of the persons will use to communicate that mental picture will have its own unique experience attached to it that both people might or might not have in common. However, lacking an independent method of confirming if the mental picture or understanding formed through the use of words is same or not, we have to take for granted that words we are using will create our experience or convey it to a certain extent. We are forced to live in a facade of words without actually realizing that other person might never understand what is going on in your, mine or any ones' mind.

That being said, my senses tell me that when people die they cease to exist or in other words loose all their senses. Likewise, when I sleep (dreamlessly), I loose all my senses until i wake up or am woken up by stimulating one of my senses, for instance by a loud noise. The only difference I see between sleep and death is that in death senses cannot be stimulated anymore and in sleep our senses can be stimulated to wake us up and experience reality through our available senses. Perhaps, I can say sleep is a temporary death. At the same time, I like sleeping dreamlessly because I am numbed out from reality, nothing is, my consciousness is not aware of any pain or happiness, the essential element of my existence "I" ceases to exist. Therefore, if sleep is something like death and I enjoy sleeping then I will greatly enjoy death.

And, this is the reason that gives me solace that my beloved grandfather is in a better place in his death. I realize we all sleep, I realize I will die, and one day will be reunited with him and that he is balling out right now up there. Love you Dada!