Reparations of a Sinner

My soul trembles,
as I am sinner, I sin with every breathe,
I sin day and night, I wish of a better me,
Yet, this sinner is devoid of repentence
I want to bow in adoration, in respect, in awe
in prayer, in light, in night,
Yet, my actions are of no use to the Great Holiness
that I want to beg forgiveness from
I am blessed without any bounds,
I am blessed with amazing family, friends and strangers
I am blessed for being a sinner, a sinner that I am
I want to cry a river, but my tears are of no use
They would just show to other souls of my material
how God fearing I am, how pious I am
But of what use are these? I dont want to show them,
I dont want to show myself, of the adoration and love
I have for thee, my beloved, my amazing friend,
my beatiful love, my everything, my inside, my outside
How can I even try to makeup for the great blessings
You have bestowed on me, how can I even touch an atom
of a sand, for the greatness you are, my current misery
of the failure to atone for my sins, my current misery
for the amazing nature you have which I can never be thankful enough
You continue to be a lover, a lover of no bounds,
how can lowlife creature like me ever be thankful enough
for your everything,
I am in despair, for I cannot be good enough,
I am in despair, for I cannot be of any material good for you
You know my love, how much I love you, right?
You know it right? Please, tell me you know it.
I ask for something, that my heart is not evolved enough for,
yet, I ask of you, my one and only,
You are amazing, who are you? Who would know except my lowly heart
My heart trembles, calls for you, in every breathe
Even my conscious breathe for thanking you, every single
breathe of asking for forgiveness, I know can never be enough
can never be enough, can never ever be enough.
I ask myself, why dont I pray? I get a reply: what use are they?
I am here, alone, all by myself, thinking of you, rejoicing in your thought
rejoicing every single breathe, that is because of you.
I thank my masters, I thank you for giving me masters, without whom
I would be lost. Although I am still lost, I am lost in your found.
A moment, as masters would say, I am something, in another I am something else
What am I? Remains a mystry to me. But, one is for sure, I love you with no bounds,
Not from my actions, for what are material actions worth after all?
I only, and can only love you from my heart.
I ask of you my most beautiful love, In fact, I beg of you, I plead
Please, please, please, let me satisfied for a moment for here is hell,
what else hell can there be? Physical fire, burning the material, causing me pain?
But this physical is not me by any means, lover and beloved, and who would know it
better than you. Might as well, say a few of my mind, but there is nothing in my mind.
Mine is only heart where I reside, with you my beloved. A union with you will be amazing
Its the most perfect reason for me being alive, but I am not capable enough to appreciate
your beauty, yet I yearn your union and you know it.

Discussion 2

Perhaps it is possible to interpret that Jesus by saying he was the son of God, he meant to say that all humanity was the children of God. The image of God is nothing but us, which is God himself. However, to get to the realization where Jesus was at, where the union with the oneness or God and where the non-dualism overwhelms our senses, takes certain hardships that Jesus went through himself. And, by taking the less taken path or the harder path, the path to seek nothing but the truth instead of looking for religions, perhaps, we can realize the union too, where it is the only reality and this illusion of dualism is vanished. Thus, we are revealed as what we really are, nothing but the oneness itself.

And, there have been other accounts, perhaps lesser known than Jesus, where souls have realized their true nature, and have called out themselves nothing but God. If this interpretation is taken as true, then perhaps we can see that Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Christianity or any word or any sect yells out or means nothing but God, and all that separates us from reaching the realization of Jesus is the lack of passion to realize or search the truth, which Jesus's or Mansur AlHallaj's or Kabir's or Mohammad's or Buddha's or Rumi's or Bulleh Shah's or others'--with state of union with the oneness or realization of the non-dualism where it remains the only truth-- lives epitomize the best.

May the Oneness, help us reach the same realization of Jesus, If that is what you believe in; though every belief, ritual, word, religion, action, sect, breath, then, now, this, that, everything points to or means or in essence is nothing but the Oneness--or Allah, Yahweh, Khuda, Ram, Ahura Mazda, OM, God or however you may choose to call. Amen.


Allow me to quote, one of my masters, Sachal Sarmast or simply: Sachoo's, poem. He in his ecstatic state said:


                         You by yourself, know what is in your form!
                         Why chant 'Allah Allah'? Find Allah within you.
                         You listen, you see, Allah's word is witness,
                         There is no doubt, O Sachal! that the Lord is One!

Amen.


*I dedicate this little piece of my minute opinion to my sister, Nainz. Allah Always Knows Best. Amen.

Discussion 1

what is anything? What is this or that? What is life what is death? And the questions remain endless. Yet the human soul's longing to find or submerge in the vastness or essence that has brought about this and that remains to be calmed. We are always on the way to somewhere, coming from somewhere. We just cannot or rather do not want to look beyond the illusion to find that there was no past, there will be no future, instead just an idea that has been imagined to be on journey by the vastness or essence itself. This idea is imagined by none other than the basic being where everything comes from but it has been left to the idea to break through the shackles of this illusion and submerge in the vastness which is before anything, before the question what is anything, before anything and everything.

The vastness cannot be comprehended by any tools given to us by the illusion. The vastness yet remains an integral part of the idea or illusion or the existence of anything. So how does the longing to submerge with the vastness end? It can only happen with the union of the idea with the vastness. So how can this union take place?

Perhaps the answer is to let the idea that is a human, decide how to submerge with the vastness.

Kuch alfaaz hussain kay naam

kaun kehta hay ajj hoon main

kisna kaha kal bhi tha main

main tua silsila hoon us kari ka

jis kari ki na hay khatam na hay ibtididah

mujhsay juddah hokar kehta hay mehboob mera

aa dhoondh mujhay main tua hoon yaheen khara

per kidher hay tu? srif kyon sunai dayti hay goonj see

kyon tarap uththee hay zindagi halkii si ahat say

samnay ayega ab tu tua sab say pehlay karoonga main

apni biptaa jo honi bhi hay aur na honi bhi

is ishq kay bhi usool hain kaisay

sab teray banaye huway baghair hamsay poochay

yeah kia jagah hay yeah kia ehsaas hay yeah kia zindagi hay

jo hay tua kehnay ko apni per guzarti hay apni marzi say

hasrat hay keh maut kabhi dhoondhay mujhay bhi

per mar kar bhi na hoee khatam baychaini, tua phir gunahgar bhi hum hee

nahi jeena aur nahi marna aur

nahi suni teri sab batain aur

phir say...

Hay waheen per khara adam
hua tha shuru jahan say adam

tum kehtay ho bohat oonchay khiyalat hay tumharay
phir bhi khaq ho aur batain teri khaq-e-nasheen

is khud ki bher chal main kab tak chalayga
tu phir toot bikhar ker paani bunjayga

janat bhi yaheen, dozakh bhi yaheen
koi naheen tua srif khuda hee naheen

khud aur khudi main srif ye ka sa farak hay
per zindagi main yeah itna dair pa kyon hay?

kaun samjhayga humain aiy saad
humain tua khud apna hee pata nahi

exploring feelings

1. Feelings cannot be conveyed in anyway. For example, unless I tell you I am happy or sad you the reader have no idea what I am feeling. Even if I tell you I am happy or sad, you would have no idea how happy I am, what kind of happy I am whether I am euphoric or just plain feeling good. Plus, what is happiness cannot be put into word. We just assume that the feeling you associate with the word happiness is the same feeling I am associating with happiness; however, there is no way to independently check if we are correct.  In addition, happiness is not one feelings but as we have experienced already, happiness can be of various kinds and degrees. One form of happiness when we get a job promotion, another when we have a new born and many more. Therefore, we have to take the help of empathy which is just take a leap of faith and assume that others associate the same feeling we do to happiness. The same is true with for all the feelings.
2. Humans are nothing but a amalgamation of self aware feelings, also called consciousness. The most basic entity of being human is feeling. Take feelings out, and you are left with the body as in the case of a dead body. If you or any human have feelings but you are not aware of them, then those feelings are as good as not being there. 
3. Here we are presented with dichotomy, feelings are the most essential part of us being human yet we cannot convey our feelings. The most we can do is be at the mercy of empathy to help us convey feelings to whatever that might be.
4. Yet we have discourse about feelings. So what exactly are we doing when we are talking about feelings? We have to go back to how we learn about feelings and to have discourse about them if we want to answer that question. We basically learn to have discourse about feelings through emotions the outward or physical response of feelings. For instance, laugh when we are happy, tears when we are sad and so forth. We learn to tell others that we prefer laugh over tears while others seem to convey the same opinion that they prefer laugh over tears. Yet, we both know that we are not looking for the outward reactions in the form of emotions rather we are looking for feelings that produce these emotions or the inside state of being our consciousness. After all, we can fake tears or laugh yet its not the same thing unless its accompanied with a feeling. Therefore, we can have discourse about feelings only to the extend of emotions; if we feel something that is not accompanied by its own unique emotion or if we feel something new and its accompanied by its own unique emotion not seen before by anyone else, your feelings are bound to be misunderstood. Unless, others come up with the same emotion spontaneously, even then there would be no independent way of checking if the feeling produced is the same as yours. 
5. Therefore, words will always be inadequate as explaining feelings. 
6. When we talk about feelings we are actually talking about emotions the outward physical appearance of feelings.
7. Independent way of verifying if my and your feelings are the same other than using words to explain them, will always put us into trouble. We can also conclude language can only be used to convey actions or physical things or the relation between the two. 
8. We can only be sure about our own feelings and never about other person's feelings.

Not You, Not me but everything, the one

Thank you for the pain you endow on me,
I was reckless,
I was not able to see your love for me,
I was not able to see you me this that you me everything,
Now that I see, I see from your eyes,
I swear its painful,
Its painful for me, but you understand it.
My love for me, my love for you, my love for everything is ever lasting.
I am grateful, ever grateful, my whole existence cannot repay you,
For you have showed me the path.
The path of the learned, the path of the lovers, the path of enlightened ones.
I am going to go by, as I do, as a mere person.
If I dare to show myself, myself, myself, myself
I will be the ranks of your beloved,
I do not deserve to be one of them my love,
I am ever thankful to you,
You that no one understands but who you choose
Let me be humbled
Let me keep this pain, as your love for me
Let me serve you, as you want me to,
But I will, my love, I will.