I swear

I can swear
I have not written one line
I cannot even write one line

Nothingness (unfinished)

I feel intense pain. It is not bodily pain, neither mental, but rather that heart sinking feeling. I want separation from everything outwardly, to live beyond the reach of anyone who knows me, for I do not know myself. When I do not know myself, how am I supposed to interact with anything?

There are wars.
Humans are never happy.
I said and it all became a lie.
I want to hide, within my own shell.
What is so wrong, with it?
But, would I be happy?
I do not know.
Is it worth knowing anyways,
I would think so.
How can I erase  

Stupid Heretic

Why should I not be a creative evolution of Mohammad
Have I suffered any less than the Messiah
Do I stutter any less than than Moses
Am I any less important than Abraham
Was I any less clay than Adam
Then why this morass

Just show up, just a peak
For I am looking at the wrong door
I long for light
I feel light
But these eyes yearn for your presence

If all these remain illusions
Then let yourself be an illusion too
Come talk to me too
I am tired
It has been one-sided chatter for too long
You will find my love,
I long for nobody else.

Why hide?
You made these eyes,
Made me yearn to see you,
Yet, you remain hidden,
Within these clay pots.

Let me assure you,
I am the lowest of the low,
But I have become, what I am,
From longing for you, unknowingly, knowingly

Let these words be the testament,
Who has no Oneness?
I am going mad here, swinging between answers
I find no solution, in the answers either.

WallAllahlam

Montaigne in the now

I am thankful for writing a post, after a long time, where I do not have a subject matter for, rather just awry, haywire thoughts, all jumbled up in a beautiful piece of art. I would like to quote Montaigne first:

"The trick is to maintain a kind of naive amazement at each instant of experience—but, as Montaigne learned, one of the best techniques for doing this is to write about everything. Simply describing an object on your table, or the view from your window, opens your eyes to how marvelous such ordinary things are. To look inside yourself is to open up an even more fantastical realm."

Montaigne mentions the secret to living an amazing life, and I can testify the amazing results it holds, along with a Hellenistic maxim: "amor fati" that is the cheerful acceptance of whatever happens or love of ones fate. The two ideas collide, to result in an amazing life full of appreciation, love and mystery. I am living in an interesting period of my life. I have found an amazing girl, who has taken over my existence in the most amazing way. I am still going through the initial period, where everything is beautiful, just taking a breathe has an artistic beauty, rivaling those of any pieces from Michelangelo or Raphael. However, I am also conscious, that my existence, always in constant, influx and out-flux, will change, and change for the better. The conventional wisdom says, at least from the older people, which I see no example in the life around, is that love dies off, and the marriages turn sour, as a result. It sounds reasonable, I guess. However, I am compelled to do just that for this love, even for a moments sake, is a blessing. Who else would know the euphoria of love? And, I being a skeptic, can tell you, I am not the one to accept things at face value, or at least, hastily.

I want to express myself in a manner, analogous to a mad animal, because I would be free of any prejudices, biases and rational, except the true self. I am led to believe, that my love has to stem from something very primordial, constant and ever-existing--whatever it might be. I have to tap into my carnal self to understand the realities that present to me, instead of me sketching new realities.

The primordial self is not something that anyone should fear or even question. It is beautiful and perfect in its understanding and expression, considering it finds itself in an expression through the body. Instinct has to be connected with the primordial me, for instinct seems to fit into places.

I am not concerned with the past, nor concerned with the future. I am concerned with the now of things, right here. Just a word rolled over from her beautiful lips, a moment worth of loving gaze, her touch, her laugh, her attention, her presence, her subjects of discussion, her exciting hair, and I could go on in the most mundane and monotonous activities, are a source of joy.

For what is love, has been a question since the invent of humanity, starting from Adam. Not to imply, love was absent before humanity. Just that, humanity was able to see its own reflection, and recognize the different states of being. And, I am certainly not the one to start the debate here, for I wish love can be expressed in anyway other than metaphors, for feelings are states of being, without clear words for expression. So the next best thing is to resonate the feeling with feelings created through metaphors, although a very poor method of understanding feelings, but the only one we might have. However, I will say one thing. Love is amazing. Love is not infatuation, crush, lust, craving, but is more intense that anyone else. Love is selfish and altruistic in its every sense. There is a dominant example in Sufi traditions, where a lover is analogous to a moth. A love loves like a moth loves the light. The light may be, and usually is detrimental to moth's existence, but moth flies towards it without doubting even for a second, and loses all sense of being to achieve and become one with the light. What light does to the moth, that makes moth forget death or any other conscious except the urge to fly towards the light, without anyone ever explaining to the moth what light is or the possibility that light can kill the moth and even the notion of madness, somehow obliterating moths own existence for the light, even though light can provide nothing material to the moth, is exactly what love is. Love should incite a flame so true, so absolute, so inevitable that its hard to face away from it. If by any chance, anyone finds a reason for love, let that love be damned. For love is eternal mystery, eternal lack of equilibrium, madness if you might. However, everything else looks damp in comparison.

I am thankful to my special one. I request Oneness to provide me even half of the pain--read extacy--of the love I have found, and I will become a follower, that prophets, and hell, even  Messiah will cringe. I was born to love. We are all born to love. We all should love. We all should at least try. If not, at least keep the option open. However, I would say, love cannot be brought up, or forced into, or any form of attachment. Love hits from a dimension unknown. And, what an amazing collision it is.

Killing Life

Who is it, that cannot live with another self,
it is I, that cannot live another self,
I and you are different,
We look different, we wear different,
We talk different, We do different,
Yet, we feel the same.
Why is it, I cannot co-exist,
Why is it, I
Do I not feel the pain?
I do.
Do you not feel the pain?
You do.
Yet, we continue to suffer,
As if, we were always meant to suffer.

Who is this I? Who is this you?
Are these not just confusion of words.
For we all feel a singularity,
Yet the symbols and sounds, confuse us.
We can just be,
Or, we can just be,

Lord, if this is all they will,
Why am I hurt in this process.
I cannot call upon myself to hurt another,
Yet, I continue to hurt all.

Let your divine will,
Shine through this lowly beggar,
Let your omnipresence,
Consume my being.

I wait patiently,
Yearning for your sake,
For I with you,
Is the only farce,
This lowly dirt can see.

Metamorphsis

Why do I write? Why does anyone write? To get fame? I am not sure. I just write. Hoping, if these words are ever discovered, they might understand the amazing fact existence is. The mysteries, the enchantments, and the pains, are all wonderful testaments to the existence.

What wan to say is one thing, and it seems to be the nectar of everything I have said or not said:

Feel.

Feel your heart. Do whatever it takes, even if its a sin, to feel.

Just Feel.

Please, feel.

And, in feeling, you will find presence.

Leave the lowly thoughts,

And, your thoughts will be one with your heart.

Singularity.

Self in Totality

It is a weird feeling. I am feeling it, I keep feeling it. No words, I find can explain this feeling. How do I convey this feeling, that I am having? I do want to convey the feeling, but perhaps not at the expense of you feeling the feeling.

I wonder, why is it so easy for some to talk at length. I seem to have lost the art of--or rather, perhaps I never had it, to begin with--talking. I make symbols through sound, that I feel convey my understanding of the world. However, I am skeptical that my understanding ever gets transferred. Instead, I might be deceiving myself--as my noise symbols through sound, made when I talk, or any other symbol of communication, like letters in this blog post, are to influence your actions to my need or facilitate myself.

I cannot understand somebody else's mind in totality.

I cannot convey myself or my mind, the real me, in totality.

However, even then I have a feeling that my understanding is transferred, perhaps because the bodily actions I would do, as a result of the understanding or during the initial transferring of the understanding, or at least my expectations of the resulting actions from the understanding, (all are my word-action relationship understand) correspond to your actions,

Therefore,I feel I have transferred the understanding.

Perhaps, I or anyone does not need to understand a person in totality. Perhaps, just knowing a few things may be enough to convey an understanding. If that is true, then I can know about you by just looking at your clothes. Perhaps there is a little grain of truth, but may be if I know a few things about or hear you talk about a specific topic, I would know your understanding. However, it does not sound right in the sense, that I am making one assumption, Your understanding of the individual words and the collective usage of the words will develop the same understanding in me. Which cannot be proved or disproved. What can be proved or disproved is that I will be able to make a set of actions potentially ascribable to you, based on what you said. These set of actions will come from the set of actions I will ascribe to the understanding I developed as a result of your talk.

But, the set of actions I ascribe to the understanding, may be different to the set of actions you would ascribe. Plus, we both may have the exactly same set of actions, yet different understandings. However, for us, as long as the physical manifestation in the form of actions of your understanding match our understanding of a topic, time, religion, object, abstract, simple, complex, or any other conveyable symbol, we utilize to carry out in our lives--the understanding has been conveyed. That is it. As long as we continue to get the actions we like or accept, matched with the same words we would to describe them, the understanding has been conveyed. As soon as an action is carried out, which you thought entailed the understand, but we never thought before, change occurs.

The mental state, the picture behind the eyes or words, something that does not affect me, is rendered not only unimportant. But, in fact, this real understanding, per se, the understanding of self in totality, that every human has of the self, is rendered so unimportant (or perhaps taken for granted) that it is never even attempted to be communicated. Perhaps, it is being communicated. However, we do not concern about this mental state, the self in totality, until out-lier actions occur or our understanding of the words-action relationship is disturbed.

If you continue to play along, say the things I am comfortable with, and continue to do things that at least do not effect me, in any negative manner to me, continuing according to my word-action relationship understanding, I will not even consider your mental state--assuming that the word-action relationship understanding is mutual for both of us. I will not attempt to look into your self in totality because your communication with me is benefiting me since it matches my word-action relationship expectation.

Nevertheless, it is a sorry state. I should actively be letting you define the words, actions, separately, however you like, without any regard for words-action relationship. Even though by doing so, I might not understand you at all, but this would be a step towards understanding your self in totality.

In such a case, where I am not binding you with a word-action relationship understanding, as I said, I might not understand you, but on the flip side, if I do understand you, it would be you in totality. Your view of the world.

I am not even sure if any of this makes sense. Nevertheless, it is, what it is. I rest my mental mind.